The days - they are a slippin' by

Whole days pass and I ask myself what I've accomplished. Oh - I just patched holes in eldest's room's wall - after I took down (and put up in the attic - which I'm not really supposed to be doing with a herniated disc but I don't do so great at NOT being able to do things) some baby art. She's not a baby anymore.

As a matter of fact, I think she's a teenager. She is so sensitive and cares so much about who likes her, who plays with her, having a boyfriend (YES!) that it's been impacting her (EXPENSIVE Montessori) school experience. So, today, I met with the head of the Primary program there (who was previously eldest's teacher) and they've decided to switch her class. I had entertained requesting this change, but in reality, it makes me sad. She's fixated on one girl there - the polar opposite eldest - a dark haired, athletic, free spirited and confident little girl (whose parents I've become quite friendly with) - and there does not appear to be a choice at this point. But this has been eldest's home away from home for 2 1/2 years now and no matter how they position/couch it, it seems to reflect a bit of a failure. Oh I know - that's my glass is half empty mentality again --

We're lucky to be in an environment where the teachers (who have been reporting to me daily adn with whom I've met a couple of times already about this) and administrators are so in touch and so open minded to what's best for the child. We're fortunate that there is the option of another all day class (as I need to get back to full time work.) When I voice with the admin. that I thought it was giving up a bit, she said, "No, __ may just need a more calm setting with less children, etc." This administrator is clearly not on my team -- where again, the glass is already 1/2 gone. :)

Anyway - need to run . . . running and running and getting nowhere.

First Post - January 3, 2009

Well, I'm 44 1/2 today and it was 24 years ago that I had an abortion. I always remember that such occurred on my 1/2 birthday. I'd have a 23 year old (son, I'm guessing) right now if I hadn't made that choice. I'm pro choice and pro life and at the time, it was the decision for me. However, it's somewhat ironic that later in my life, when I so wanted to have children, I couldn't find the man to do it with in a traditional relationship. So, I did it alone - at almost 40 years old.

I'm struggling a lot lately. Truth be told, I've been struggling for years and years -- probably 15 or so. Is it depression? Maybe. My middle sister swears that our Mom was depressed and in many ways, I am following in her path (more on that later.) I go through the motions. I even accomplish some things (like having a child on my own, adopting another and making a pretty significant geographic move) but I am not happy and I've forgotten how to be.

I definitely would benefit from therapy but don't have the time, money or inclination to start that right now. I refuse to even consider drugs. I have two small children, for goodness sake. So, like everyone else, I guess I'll try a blog. Ongoing stream of consciousness. Another opportunity for me to feel guilty that I'm not exercising, chronicling my childrens' lives, volunteering, preparing healthy food, reading, doing the Wii Fit (OK - maybe not so much that), etc.

More to come ... five year old calling ...