Yesterday, an old friend with whom my relationship has been disintegrating for some time accused me of harboring resentment. I'm not sure if he meant toward him, toward others, towards life, etc.
I responded that I don't think I'm resentful.
But then I thought about it overnight and also considered my relationship with my employees at work (more to follow).
And I realize, I'm not resentful. I'm ANGRY! I'M ANGRY!!!!!
I'm angry at the world, at many of my friends and family members but mostly, I'm angry at myself.
I've noticed my intolerance growing and the negative things that are constantly coming out of my lips and through my fingertips. I realize that I look at the world through a skewed lens. I'd even venture to say that my anger coupled with my high sensitivity has rendered me somewhat paranoid at times.
Several things to consider:
Why am I so angry?
What can I do to alleviate this anger and be more joyous?
How is this anger having an impact on my parenting my girls (and my other relationships - those that still remain?)
Is holding onto this emotion exacerbating my health and weight issues and causing new issues with my wellbeing?
When I try and drill down a bit on this, I think the root of my anger is feeling taken advantage of and less than cared for. Prior boyfriends, employers, employees, friends and family members have indeed probably "used" me to their benefit, but I have to absorb that I LET THAT HAPPEN. So maybe, it's less about being taken advantage of than it is ALLOWING myself to be taken advantage of. And why do I do that? Why do I accept less than I deserve? Is it because my mother stopped taking care of herself and then me when I was way too young? Why is my own sense of self worth so deflated that the opinions of others still matter a bit (although I will admit it's much less than when I was younger?) Why, when I assert myself and require respect, recognition, etc. (from say my employees), do I take on the persona of a bitch? (I might be branded as such but clearly don't need to absorb or accept the title.)
I have a lot of thinking but clearly, this all has to change so I don't erupt.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Same story - different day
WOW - posted last in February, and have felt inspired again to post - but notice it's on a similar theme.
I realized today that I have absolutely no one to confide in, no one to talk to about my life, my struggles, my triumphs, my fears, etc. I really don't think anyone else would truly understand.
Oh, sure I could chat with my friends who are moms but most of them are partnered/married or at least have the involvement (albeit sometimes minimal but it's almost always financial) of an ex - about the challenges of parenting two girls. But they have no idea (although as I said in February, many think they do) what it's like to truly do it alone.) Or I could talk to my single mom friends but the majority of them have full time jobs and don't understand the challenge of running your own business (and not having any income for an extended period of time as a result.) I guess I could chat with my friends who are also helping to care for/are the main support for their aging parents, but they don't have the added "stress" of children or a business.
I can think of a friend or two who has a business (had it established though before having children) and is a single choice parent. But they have super active support networks, young and vital parents who help in many ways - including financially and/or significant financial resources that make hiring help a possibility.
I am getting to a breaking point. I have totally and completely let my health go and it's impacting my life and my children's. I'm exhausted. I know I need to prepare grocery lists, shop appropriately and cook but I cannot seem to make the time. I'm working six days a week and haven't exercised in a year. I have cancelled my quarterly doctor's appointments. My sugars are crazy, I can feel my blood pressure is up, I'm sky high in terms of weight, I don't sleep well anymore (wake myself up snoring or stressed quite often) and I've skipped getting a period again for a couple of months (need to go back on the pill.)
The business is growing but the personnel and financial challenges are draining. My daughters are great but I don't have enough time to spend with them and when I am with them, I'm tired, pre-occupied and so often cranky. I hate myself for this -- especially since clearly, their childhoods are fleeting. Dad needs me to just be around more as a presence, but I'm often rushed and harried when I speak to or see him (and that's not frequently enough.) I have no real friendships to speak of anymore. My New York friends, for the most part, don't make much of an effort (can't even tell you when someone came down to visit us last) plus I have stopped calling and even writing emails, and I just haven't developed any real deep friendships here.
Even my rock solid friendships have hurt a bit because I'm negative and really a "bummer" to be around, I'd say.
My volunteer pursuits at the girls' school are really more than I can handle, and to be honest, I think the classrooms are great for the girls but I'm not happy at the school. I haven't been for some time. I'd be happier "in town" but can't sell this darn townhome so the girls could go to an in town Montessori that is populated with less affluence and more "people like me". So not being "committed" to the school for the long term really precludes me from the proper motivation to serve. Yet, my personality is such (and the financial aid awards guilt me to feel) that I show up and still do the best I can. This is counter-intuitive and probably not all that great for my psyche.
So, not sure what to do with this knowledge except to sit with it for a bit and try to figure out what it all means and what I should be doing . . .
I realized today that I have absolutely no one to confide in, no one to talk to about my life, my struggles, my triumphs, my fears, etc. I really don't think anyone else would truly understand.
Oh, sure I could chat with my friends who are moms but most of them are partnered/married or at least have the involvement (albeit sometimes minimal but it's almost always financial) of an ex - about the challenges of parenting two girls. But they have no idea (although as I said in February, many think they do) what it's like to truly do it alone.) Or I could talk to my single mom friends but the majority of them have full time jobs and don't understand the challenge of running your own business (and not having any income for an extended period of time as a result.) I guess I could chat with my friends who are also helping to care for/are the main support for their aging parents, but they don't have the added "stress" of children or a business.
I can think of a friend or two who has a business (had it established though before having children) and is a single choice parent. But they have super active support networks, young and vital parents who help in many ways - including financially and/or significant financial resources that make hiring help a possibility.
I am getting to a breaking point. I have totally and completely let my health go and it's impacting my life and my children's. I'm exhausted. I know I need to prepare grocery lists, shop appropriately and cook but I cannot seem to make the time. I'm working six days a week and haven't exercised in a year. I have cancelled my quarterly doctor's appointments. My sugars are crazy, I can feel my blood pressure is up, I'm sky high in terms of weight, I don't sleep well anymore (wake myself up snoring or stressed quite often) and I've skipped getting a period again for a couple of months (need to go back on the pill.)
The business is growing but the personnel and financial challenges are draining. My daughters are great but I don't have enough time to spend with them and when I am with them, I'm tired, pre-occupied and so often cranky. I hate myself for this -- especially since clearly, their childhoods are fleeting. Dad needs me to just be around more as a presence, but I'm often rushed and harried when I speak to or see him (and that's not frequently enough.) I have no real friendships to speak of anymore. My New York friends, for the most part, don't make much of an effort (can't even tell you when someone came down to visit us last) plus I have stopped calling and even writing emails, and I just haven't developed any real deep friendships here.
Even my rock solid friendships have hurt a bit because I'm negative and really a "bummer" to be around, I'd say.
My volunteer pursuits at the girls' school are really more than I can handle, and to be honest, I think the classrooms are great for the girls but I'm not happy at the school. I haven't been for some time. I'd be happier "in town" but can't sell this darn townhome so the girls could go to an in town Montessori that is populated with less affluence and more "people like me". So not being "committed" to the school for the long term really precludes me from the proper motivation to serve. Yet, my personality is such (and the financial aid awards guilt me to feel) that I show up and still do the best I can. This is counter-intuitive and probably not all that great for my psyche.
So, not sure what to do with this knowledge except to sit with it for a bit and try to figure out what it all means and what I should be doing . . .
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ode to a Single Choice Mom
Listen, girlfriend. I'm sorry that your husband's had to travel for business a lot lately or that he owns a restaurant and works late hours.
Oh dearest -- I'm sure it's difficult to be separated or going through a divorce and you can bet that I wouldn't want that turmoil in my life or my kids' lives.
But ladies - you are NOT single mothers. The preponderance of articles, television vignettes, FaceBook posts, etc. where women are talking about feeling like single mothers because of the above and similar situations (where there is still a father/partner present or at least in the picture) just hands me a laugh.
HELLO!!!!! A single mother by choice doesn't have someone else to rely on for ANYTHING. Yes, the operative word there is "choice" but you know what that means? That means we get the exclusive on the expression "single mom" (as do women who got pregnant perhaps not by choice but still CHOSE to keep the child/ren and raise him/her/them without a father around.) Mothers with partners/husbands have help - be it financial, physical, emotional, etc. Yes, maybe some have it easier than others but try being responsible for your child(ren) 100% of the time - working, maintaining a home, "doing" all that entails to raise a child and trying to carve out a bit of time to take care of yourself (because if anything happens to you, what will happen to your children?)
Do I wish I had a partner/spouse? Sure - but that's not my beef in this case. My crusade is to have women having other than an ideal mothering experience (in their own minds) CEASE comparing themselves to single moms. If your husband works a lot, you're a MOTHER MARRIED TO A WORKER (let's say an MMTAW for short.) If you're separated or divorced (and even if you're the custodial parent), you're a DIVORCED MOTHER or a SEPARATED MOTHER (DM or SM). If you've a deadbeat spouse or partner who DOES NOT offer you or your child(ren) any support at all, I guess it might be appropriate to call you a single mom, but there'd have to be the whole initiation, apprentice period, etc.
Am I bitter? I don't think so. The best choice I ever made was to become a mother. However, I also think that my position as an SMC (or even SCM) puts me in a different "class."
So - stop your whining. And get your own acronym!
Oh dearest -- I'm sure it's difficult to be separated or going through a divorce and you can bet that I wouldn't want that turmoil in my life or my kids' lives.
But ladies - you are NOT single mothers. The preponderance of articles, television vignettes, FaceBook posts, etc. where women are talking about feeling like single mothers because of the above and similar situations (where there is still a father/partner present or at least in the picture) just hands me a laugh.
HELLO!!!!! A single mother by choice doesn't have someone else to rely on for ANYTHING. Yes, the operative word there is "choice" but you know what that means? That means we get the exclusive on the expression "single mom" (as do women who got pregnant perhaps not by choice but still CHOSE to keep the child/ren and raise him/her/them without a father around.) Mothers with partners/husbands have help - be it financial, physical, emotional, etc. Yes, maybe some have it easier than others but try being responsible for your child(ren) 100% of the time - working, maintaining a home, "doing" all that entails to raise a child and trying to carve out a bit of time to take care of yourself (because if anything happens to you, what will happen to your children?)
Do I wish I had a partner/spouse? Sure - but that's not my beef in this case. My crusade is to have women having other than an ideal mothering experience (in their own minds) CEASE comparing themselves to single moms. If your husband works a lot, you're a MOTHER MARRIED TO A WORKER (let's say an MMTAW for short.) If you're separated or divorced (and even if you're the custodial parent), you're a DIVORCED MOTHER or a SEPARATED MOTHER (DM or SM). If you've a deadbeat spouse or partner who DOES NOT offer you or your child(ren) any support at all, I guess it might be appropriate to call you a single mom, but there'd have to be the whole initiation, apprentice period, etc.
Am I bitter? I don't think so. The best choice I ever made was to become a mother. However, I also think that my position as an SMC (or even SCM) puts me in a different "class."
So - stop your whining. And get your own acronym!
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