WOW - posted last in February, and have felt inspired again to post - but notice it's on a similar theme.
I realized today that I have absolutely no one to confide in, no one to talk to about my life, my struggles, my triumphs, my fears, etc. I really don't think anyone else would truly understand.
Oh, sure I could chat with my friends who are moms but most of them are partnered/married or at least have the involvement (albeit sometimes minimal but it's almost always financial) of an ex - about the challenges of parenting two girls. But they have no idea (although as I said in February, many think they do) what it's like to truly do it alone.) Or I could talk to my single mom friends but the majority of them have full time jobs and don't understand the challenge of running your own business (and not having any income for an extended period of time as a result.) I guess I could chat with my friends who are also helping to care for/are the main support for their aging parents, but they don't have the added "stress" of children or a business.
I can think of a friend or two who has a business (had it established though before having children) and is a single choice parent. But they have super active support networks, young and vital parents who help in many ways - including financially and/or significant financial resources that make hiring help a possibility.
I am getting to a breaking point. I have totally and completely let my health go and it's impacting my life and my children's. I'm exhausted. I know I need to prepare grocery lists, shop appropriately and cook but I cannot seem to make the time. I'm working six days a week and haven't exercised in a year. I have cancelled my quarterly doctor's appointments. My sugars are crazy, I can feel my blood pressure is up, I'm sky high in terms of weight, I don't sleep well anymore (wake myself up snoring or stressed quite often) and I've skipped getting a period again for a couple of months (need to go back on the pill.)
The business is growing but the personnel and financial challenges are draining. My daughters are great but I don't have enough time to spend with them and when I am with them, I'm tired, pre-occupied and so often cranky. I hate myself for this -- especially since clearly, their childhoods are fleeting. Dad needs me to just be around more as a presence, but I'm often rushed and harried when I speak to or see him (and that's not frequently enough.) I have no real friendships to speak of anymore. My New York friends, for the most part, don't make much of an effort (can't even tell you when someone came down to visit us last) plus I have stopped calling and even writing emails, and I just haven't developed any real deep friendships here.
Even my rock solid friendships have hurt a bit because I'm negative and really a "bummer" to be around, I'd say.
My volunteer pursuits at the girls' school are really more than I can handle, and to be honest, I think the classrooms are great for the girls but I'm not happy at the school. I haven't been for some time. I'd be happier "in town" but can't sell this darn townhome so the girls could go to an in town Montessori that is populated with less affluence and more "people like me". So not being "committed" to the school for the long term really precludes me from the proper motivation to serve. Yet, my personality is such (and the financial aid awards guilt me to feel) that I show up and still do the best I can. This is counter-intuitive and probably not all that great for my psyche.
So, not sure what to do with this knowledge except to sit with it for a bit and try to figure out what it all means and what I should be doing . . .
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